The FIFA World Cup Bronze Match stands alone in global football as a uniquely weird, uncanny, and futile non-event.
It is so utterly devoid of meaning its contents are forgotten about even as they unfold, so perhaps we should give some credit to Thomas Tuchel for providing a lasting memory with a deeply bonkers 6-4 victory over France.
But all praise stops there.
The third-place play-off makes a mockery of its participants by its nature. It is a consolation prize in a sport that does not accept consolations and so all it achieves is shining a searing beacon of light onto failure.
There are nations of lower pedigree who would take some solace in a bronze medal but not England, and certainly not an England team that haven’t yet had time to process a semi-final collapse that should go down as the worst managerial performance by an England manager this century.
Unsurprisingly then, as usual Saturday’s game mocked everything and everyone. Ten goals is a stupid, stupefying number that should embarrass FIFA into cancelling the third-place play-off altogether. A bit of fun, you might say, but professional football isn’t supposed to be a light-hearted kick-about in the park. Nobody came out of it with dignity.
The real victim of the night however was Tuchel, undermined by the absence of tension in a World Cup match. Not that it ended there.
Most pressing, Bukayo Saka’s effervescent performance showed he was sufficiently fit to play against Argentina and suggested that, given Saka was the substitute everyone else would have made during that second hydration break, the average punter would have made better tactical calls than Tuchel in Miami.
Yet it was Tuchel’s comments after the game, and those of his assistant Anthony Barry at half-time, that ensured his reputation was only further damaged by the 6-4 victory.
“It’s the first [World Cup] medal for 60 years, first [at a] World Cup on foreign soil, and I hope the players can be proud of that at some point,” he said, completely misreading the national mood for the third post-match interview in a row, after criticising the performance post-Norway and blaming his players post-Argentina. “We set ourselves the highest dream to chase, and we were very, very ambitious with our dream to make the final in the World Cup.”
Calling England’s World Cup hopes “very, very ambitious” echoed the gaslighting operation Tuchel began three days earlier when he suggested England’s collapse was a flaw in the nation’s “DNA”, as if he wasn’t hired specifically and exclusively to improve upon the errors made in recent tournaments. It is straight out of the playbook of Jose Mourinho: take no ownership and scorch the earth, blaming everyone else to save your own reputation.
Those DNA comments are a sackable offence on their own, never mind the cowardice of the meek tactical blunder that preceded it. Tuchel has brought the FA into disrepute with words that allude to a weakness of character in the entire system, a shameful act for a national manager whose job, in England at least, includes behaving as a public figurehead, statesman, and ambassador.
With those words Tuchel brought into sharp relief what the FA threw away when they swapped Gareth Southgate’s inspiring brand of progressive patriotism for the plug-and-play egotist. The most self-respecting course of action for the FA would be dishonourable discharge.
That Tuchel doubled down on those comments after the France victory is damning, as was the surreal half-time interview given to BBC Sport by a tearful Anthony Barry: “The cynics will say it’s too late but we still play against a world-class opponent and I’m so proud of the boys... I’m proud of the team and I hope everyone is as well at home.”
Whether arrogant or delusional, over the last few days those in charge of the England men’s team have shown, in their words as much as their actions, a fundamental misunderstanding of the integrity demanded of the role.
And that’s before you get onto the tactical failures. It is no exaggeration to say that cowering from the fight against Argentina brought shame upon the supporters, made all the more humiliating when the manager blamed their own national culture. Tuchel bottled it – then accused the English of being weak.
It amounts to a dereliction of duty; a freezing in the headlights or, worse, resignation to the notion that English football is unfixable, a diagnosis entirely invented by the man whose very job it is to lift the spirits of players and fans.
As for the FA, allowing Tuchel to continue demolishing Southgate’s legacy for another two years would be their failure; an act of contempt towards England fans and their own organisation.
