Charlton striker Lyle Taylor says he cannot sleep after refusing to play for the club over concerns injury may scupper a big move.
The 30-year-old was linked with West Brom, Swansea and Rangers in January, and Addicks boss Lee Bowyer revealed on Monday that his top scorer is not willing to risk his chance of earning a "life-changing move".
Taylor is one of 15 players at The Valley who are either out of contract or whose loan deals will expire on June 30.
David Davis, who is on loan from Birmingham, and out-of-contract Chris Solly have also told the club they are not available for selection.
Charlton are in the Sky Bet Championship relegation zone with nine games left and the season due to restart on June 20.
"I've sat in my living room staring at a blank TV screen for hours on end these last few weeks. I've not eaten or slept properly. I've been up 'til 5am listening to the birds chirping thinking about it," Taylor told Sky Sports News.
"Then I finally came to the decision together with the manager that he has openly spoken about. He said to me 'Lyle I can see how cut up this has made you'. But this is a time nobody has had to deal with before - lockdown has been difficult for everyone.
"I'm gutted at the way it's finishing, but I don't expect people to care. I know that once the damage is done it's irreparable and I don't really expect any sympathy."
Championship relegation odds
- Luton - 1/8
- Barnsley - 1/6
- Charlton - 4/6
- Hull - 13/8
- Wigan - 9/2
Charlton, who are 4/6 third favourites for relegation, are two points from safety at the bottom of the Championship and will now be facing a player crisis with so many of them being unavailable.
"I want to play to keep this team in the league; we have worked so hard to get here. But there is something in the back of my head that says if you get a serious injury the chance you have worked and dreamed of since you were six-years-old is gone," Taylor continued.
"I hope people can look at this and not hate me. I'd like to think people will listen to this with more of an open mind and look into my journey and where I've came from.
"I've played at every level from the Championship to step four of non-league football. There is no doubt I have gone the longest route around to get to where I am today.
"I've been released by three clubs, sold by two more who didn't want me. I've been told I'm not good enough to be a professional footballer, not good enough for League One - or to step up the Championship.
"All I've done is try to prove them wrong and make the best of my opportunities. At the age I am, should I get seriously injured I'll never get another opportunity like those I currently have.
"I'm sure not many people will be sympathetic simply because I do the job that I do. I'm not okay with that but I'll have to live with that.
"But this is a special set of circumstances and I'll maybe have to think about looking about myself, my body and my livelihood this time."
Taylor understands that the decision he has made will tarnish the legacy he leaves behind at Charlton.
But that is something he does not feel he can do anything about.
"I have to be maybe a little more worried about myself and my future than what someone else feels they can say about me on radio, TV or social media," he added.
"I know I won't be remembered at Charlton like I did at Wimbledon: that was someone who went out there giving everything and had to be dragged off the pitch after giving my all in every game.
"I might be remembered as a money-grabber or a let-down, but I would like to think some people will look beyond that and remember the good times I shared with the manager and my team-mates and Charlton Athletic.
"Hopefully the Charlton fans can look on it more fondly than with hatred or disgust."
🔴 Charlton fans...
— Sporting Life Football (@SportingLifeFC) June 4, 2020
👌 Will you remember Lyle Taylor for his brilliance and efforts on the pitch?
😡 Or, as he fears, a "money-grabber or a let-down".@CharltonLife @ValleyFloydFred @airmanbrown #CAFC
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