1730: I'm signing off. Craving gammon and I know where to get it. Egg not pineapple. Whoever gets pineapple? The world is a crazy place.

1721: The hats are in the air but I don't have the energy to hunt down a brown trilby. The dream of buying one of those has long since died.

1711: Fish odour confirmed by independent witness. The Asda Surge spray-on still working fine.

1700: There is a very strong fish smell outside the Cottage Rake bar. At least I hope there is. Otherwise the personal hygiene issues have returned.

1645: No bet in the bumper - no winner for two days. Even Shania sounds hollow now.

1623: Just cheered myself up by singing "I Feel Like A Woman" by Shania Twain. I'm backing a mare in the next too - Miss Sarretta. Fate or what?

1618: Philip Burns is back. "Dave ...someone is taking the proverbial asking you to go in front of a camera...if there was ever a man who had a face for radio then it would be you...don't let them amuse themselves by putting you in front of a camera." He has clearly never seen George Clooney in Syrianna. I nearly got the body double gig.

1614: Video work to do after this. I've appeared in front of camera only once so far. There's a message somewhere in that.

1612: Just when you need your friends Philip Burns writes: "Feel things have got as bad as they are going to get for you Dave, you need to get a grip and concentrate, your flock of fans need you more now than they have ever needed you...come on man, step up to the oachey, we need winners." I need a hug.

1610: Another setback. Just been informed by an email from Argos that it's Mothers Day soon. I'm on holiday next week. Hope Blue Peter is still on, may knock up a Tracy Island for the old dear.

1608: Was transfixed by Derek Thompson's bald patch for a while there. Nothing else to smile about. No winners and day two all but over. Woe is me. Poor Dave.

1555: There are a lot of very happy people in the Centuar. The Game Pie must be on.

1550: Niall McNiff fears I've been on the coffee all afternoon given the sporadic updates. Quality like this takes time Niall! So does putting an exacta on in the Coral Cup.

1545: The presentation party for the Champion Chase includes a young boy in a body warmer. Not one of the reversible ones delicious Robert Thornton advertises. Wish I went to his school. I was never allowed off Festival week.

1535: Going to have a coffee. This is a time for cool heads and reflection.

1533: He's not bad is he? If you steamed in at 2/5 you didn't have too many concerns - bar a stride or two after the second last.

1513: Apparently Linda Robson from Birds Of A Feather is here. Rumours are rife the show is set for a comeback. Let's hope they're wide of the mark.

1512: I've found a soulmate. Alistair Slater shares my pain after backing Kalahari King and Maljimar yesterday. I'd be over the moon with two seconds.

1510: Just had a worrying moment. Thought the model sporting the reversible bodywarmer on the racecard advert was quite attractive. Turns out it's Robert Thornton. I'm not drinking tonight.

1506: David Berry can. Forgot he was on Cooldine at 6/1! At least there is some quality information on here - sadly none of it from me.

1505: Big one now. Just going to go out and enjoy it. No bet. I can't afford one.

1455: The Guinness Festival Awards are still going strong. It seems so long ago that I was on the judging panel. It was worth 24 cans of the black stuff too. What a gig. No-one has told me the prizes are devalued by my absence but I sense a lot of people think it.

1452: Best accessories wins you a three-night break to the Lake District. This competition is sexist. Even with my moobs there's no way I can win.

1450: Ladies day tomorrow. The lady judged to be wearing the best hat will win free hat hire for the year. Of all the people at the racecourse, she is probably the last person who needs it.

1448: Brave, brave Carruthers. Cooldine different gravy though. Huge fan of gravy.

1434: Increasingly confident Carruthers will place. Increasingly confident too that my computer is on the verge of meltdown. It is vibrating to the touch and smells faintly of burning.

1425: RSA Chase next. Carruthers a place please.

1415: Well I suppose I'm getting closer. Sadly no cigar. Can't smoke them either - not with my chest.

1404: Just seen Bensalem misses the Albert Bartlett. My only ante-post bet. The sponsors will be pleased as I've done my spuds.

1400: The yankee is now a patent and soon to be an each-way double. All around people are smiling. Does anyone share my pain?

1320: Once more into the breach dear friends. Off down to watch the first on the members' lawn. When I return expect the yankee to be dead in the water and an elastoplast to be covering the purple patch on the forehead.

1314: To put Janice Taylor's mind at rest - Jasper was not in the blender at the time of the accident.

1312: Ian from Birmingham is a naughty man. He writes: "By coincidence it is also 21 years since I had a yankee. Although at the risk of soundng all Sid Jamesish she was a nurse." You have managed to lower the levels of a blog that regular visits bowel movements and fungal infections. Hang your head in shame!

1310: Diamond Harry man Colin Inkster wants to know what I'm opposing his charge with. Karabak is the answer. Probably won't be at 1430 though.

1305: After an accident involving the dog, Nina informs me the first port of call for any yankee winnings is a new food blender. Hand whisking is clearly overrated.

1300: Chicken casserole and rice for lunch - the sun is shining and the yankee alive and kicking. With apologies to the lads in Bulgaria - life doesn't get much better.

1255: I've received a blast from Bulgaria! Chris Connoly writes: "EMailing from new Power Station in Bulgaria not the Wimbledon one! Temperature here has varied from -1 C to +16 C in the past 30 hours so the lads working on top of the boilers and cooling towers have suggested you stop whinging about the weather, your knees etc and give us some real info. A winner would be nice and we know about Master Minded, the money is not good enough here to get rich on that one!"

Chris, I take your point but the old knees are playing up and I've drawn blood by scratching the purple patch on the forehead. I'm suffering for my craft. My each-way yankee is now out in the public domain. Just a word of caution. I haven't had a yankee up in 21 years as a punter.

1253: Mark Dowling is on Dunguib in the last - as it's where he's based in Ireland! He's hopingfor the odd English-trained winner to quiten the lads at work down. Don't worry Mark. We'll be on the scoreboard today - probably not in the bumper though!

1245: David Berry should be sweating. He has a good bet on Cooldine at 6/1 and is also with Mad Max. Good luck sir.

1240: Right - now I'm on I'll let you into the yankee secret. Kornati Kid, Karabak, Carruthers and Amore Mio are the four horses who are going to give me the bangers for a brown trilby. Easy game this.

1230: Just had my first pint of Guinness of the week. It's had two effects. Firstly the purple patch on the forehead is tingling, but I'm also full of betting bravado. An each-way yankee is about to be placed.

1156: Rich Lynne is another Karabak man - Cooldine in the RSA too. He also has a good word for Dan Tucker in the opener. I have a good word for no-one right now given my joint problems.

1154: Me and my new limp are off roving. Going to track down some live music and watch the car rally in the parade ring. One thing is for sure, unless in need of divine intervention I won't be hitting the knees again this week.

1150: The last two updates were done knelt down. I now have cramp in my calf and Nick Doggett has had to help me up.

1145: I have very bad news for Richard Williams. He is on Karabak and Kornati Kid - and so am I. Great minds and all that.

1130: Sean Garvey is a man in form. Here are his thoughts on day two: "Today I will be mostly backing Massini's Maguire e/w in the 2:40, Briareus e/w (VERY!) in the 3:20 and Psycho win in the 4:00." I'm not on any of those Sean - so get stuck in.

1120: Didn't get far with the roving. Stopped off at the parade ring and basked in the sun for 15 minutes. Was then asked to move as I was in the camera shot of a Channel Four feature. Couldn't find accordion man either.

1055: Could nod off out here, very pleasant. Not time for a kip though. I'm off a roving. First stop will be accordion man to check out his pecs and abs. If he's as chisseled as I expect, I may make the instrument my new keep fit regime.

1050: Can't work the first out for love nor money. Leaning towards Mad Max in the second. Sun cracking the flags now. may even shed a layer.

1045: A blue Vauxhall hire car is causing a serious obstruction. The police want it moved immediately or they will do so. Very nice of them. Wonder if they'll wash the old Golf for me a bit later.

1043: The game's gone soft. Wichita Lineman isn't running in the first. I once doubled up in one afternoon, representing my form in the 200 metres and 400 metres only an hour apart at year three sports day. I beat a combined total of one rival home - and he ruptured his achilles' tendon in the 400m. Tore past him to be fair.

1041: Apparently we may get some rain - the tannoy announcer has just told everyone. Miserable swine. I have left my black cap (large peak - not a beret) in the car. I am banking on wall-to-wall sunshine.

1040: Very nice today. Not as windy as yesterday and hazy sunshine. Be cold by the last though, mark my words.

1037: I now have demons. Apparently if you've driven here you should makre sure your headlights are switched off as no announcements will be made over the tannoy to alert you. That's just mean.

1035: Sat outside now - just shows how maveric I am. If my knees part and the lap top crashes to the floor the M42 north beckons.

1030: Accordion man is here again - bellowing away. He must have pecs of steel.

1005: Sun's out - the moist purple patch may dry out yet.

1002: Kyle's gone - replaced by a replay of yesterday's racing. This country.

1000: No sign of Charlie Chaplin or anyone on stilts. There is a very tall man in a purple suit. Just watching Jeremy Kyle on TV. Today's show is entitled "I'll leave you if I'm not the baby's dad". Powerful stuff.

0958: Gates open in half-an-hour. I cherish this stolen hour of empty toilets and dweller-free stairways.

0956: No rain. Ground unchanged. Colin Inkster, 1-0 up on Ord, fancies Diamond Harry today. I'm against him Colin, so row in.

0954: Love could be in the air between two male safety stewards. One was blowing kisses to a colleague from the top of the stairs. However the middle finger raised in return suggests it may be a one-wayinfatuation.

0945: Just walked through the dress rehearsal for the Queen's arrival on Friday. Don't know what part I played. I'd like to think a bearded Prince Andrew.

0922: Now Derek Thompson has appeared on the big screen dressed in JP McManus' silks. What were the mushrooms I had for breakfast?

0920: Forgot to mention I was sworn at my the car park attendant today as I failed to get into my designated spot at the third attempt. My withering look spoke a thousand words. So did his hand gesture - a gentle tap to the temple. He was sinister.

0915: Added a new segment to my morning routine. I moisturised. The forehead sweat of yesterday left a flurry of dry skin behind. Now the affected area is maroon and tender to the touch.

0900: Good morning. First sight to greet me at the racecourse is Mr Motivator, dressed in a tight blue leotard, bouncing up and down. The Crunchy Nut Cornflakes could be set for a quick return.