1715: That's it. I'm off home to see if Andy Roberts bowled me out back in the golden summer of 1989. Master Minded tomorrow. 10am start - prompt.

1700: A surreal end to proceedings. A man is playing the theme from Allo Allo on an accordion.

1646: The hats are airborn. I'm off scavenging.

1643: Doggett has bangers and mash. Three hours too late for me.

1642: Off for the finale. If the favourite wins and the hats go in the air there's every chance I'll swoop for a trilby.

1640: Andy Roberts must have played cricket against me! He turned out for Altofts in the Wakefield & District Under 13 league. I was the plump, blond haired lad who played for Crofton Andy.

1628: Backing Chombawomba in the finale. Huge fan of their anarchic pop.

1615: Off to do my final videos of the day. May try Dave Williams' brown trilby on. There are claims I am too round-faced to wear one.

1610: That was a popular winner. Bet JP McManus enjoyed it. I did too - the last mile. Spent the first two miles googling my own name.

1603: They're off and Derek hasn't jumped off with them. Money back if you've backed him.

1555: Think my coffee was spiked. I'm sure I've just seen Derek Thompson jumping one of the cross-country fences. He's now stroking a hedge. The man is having a breakdown in front of our very eyes.

1543: Nicky Henderson also has a brown trilby. They are everywhere - the look of Cheltenham 2009.

1542: Weighed in for the Champion. Just seen another brown trilby. Definitely getting one when I have a winner. Or definitely getting one if I have a winner.

1538: Nicky Henderson's Festival drought is over. Great man. Bet he's emotional. I am but only because there's no coffee.

1536: Binocular was the last leg of a round robin - one of the worst multiple bets in Cheltenham history. Cross-Country next. I'm going to keep my powder dry for the finale by sulking.

1534: What a race Crack Away Jack ran - and Katchit too back at Cheltenham. Celestial Halo deserves great credit - they went quick there and he's stayed in front-rank throughout.

1533: Well what do you make of that? Cracking finish - cracking race.

1522: Binocular it is - and no drift from what I can see.

1518: Parading for the Champion and the sun is out. Could life be any better? Probably. Going to have a coffee after this. That's just how I roll.

1515: Binocular time. Probably need them to see him given my current run. If he wins I may buy a waterproof trilby. Dave Williams had one on earlier and they are going for £40 in the tented village.

1508: Man in the press room has just asked me if I'm still playing cricket. Either he was a fan of the Wakefield & District Under 13 league in 1985 or was cracking a WG Grace gag. Either way I'm fuming.

1454: Different ride needed now AP. Bet he knows that already. Expect Binocular to drift with the rain. I am a great reader of the market.

1453: What a ride. What a ride. I still can't believe he got it up. Brave horse too - but what a ride!

1447: Watching this from the press room. I'm a disgrace. I don't do rain.

1440: Will Hayler has just shown me how to put an exacta on online before he had to go to the toilet otherwise "there will be an accident". He is walking like a cross between John Inman and Michael Jackson.

1434: Change of tact here. Going for an exacta. An exotic one too. If this comes up I may even moonwalk over to the tote counter to collect it.

1430: It's raining. A light drizzle but enough to wet the loafers.

1420: I need to bounce back. Possol and Patsy Hall are the two entrusted with the task. Them and two cumberland bangers served on a bed of mash. Two dinners in one day.

1414: Lots of people backed that winner. I have the usual sinking feeling. Sausages are back out. Even they can't lift the spirits.

1406: Calgary Bay for me. He'll finish sixth.

1405: Forgot to say I again weed next to Paul Nicholls before the first. It's become a Festival tradition. Eyes front, no funny business, but surreal.

1400: A kind woman has just pointed out I have curry stains on my beard. I've been walking around for an hour with a bright yellow patch.

1355: Robbo writes: "Can you give a shout out to "Les's mate who wasn't allowed off work to watch the Festival - but may feign a sickie". And with the economy in the state it's in.

1350: To quote Edmund Blackadder it rhymes with "clucking bell". Placepot gone. Will leave those to my doppelganger Boyle now.

1320: Email blast from Nina for spelling kangaroo wrong earlier. So touchy these Australians. Well I'm off now - and in the words of Mal Boyle - '"good luck with your Placepots".

1318: Right boys and girls. Out to the members' lawn to watch the first. Will be visiting the little boys room first. Cousin Vinny is in the multiple bets, Ainama and Red Maloney also supported. A winner from outside those three and things are taking their normal course.

1315: My bangers and mash have turned into chicken curry. I'm not speaking to Doggett.

1310: Nick Doggett has gone to get my bangers. He is under strict instruction not to accept any less than three.

1308: Claire Thomas, who works in the NHS, says onion gravy isn't one of my five-a-day.

1305: The bangers are calling. Onion gravy too. Counts as one of my five-a-day.

1300: Rich Lynn reports Kanagaroo Court to be absolutely bouncing ahead of his run here this afternoon..Gareth Wiles asks is Binocular going to win? I say yes. Colin Inkster says no.

1250: Former colleague Derek Bilton passes on a tip for Elliwan at Southwell. The fact he is asking if he can sleep in my car on Friday night speaks volumes for the quality of his information.

1240: Sausage and mash for lunch. Being served now. Learned my lesson though, I'm going in late. You get three rather than two bangers once the rush has died down.

1230: Been out and about and it's not gone well. My hands are now cold but my forehead awash with sweat. One word. Fever.

1210: My Binocular rival Colin Inskter wants a weather update. Dry but blustery and still grey skies. I remain the only racegoer who is sweating so the temperature must be around the seasonal norm.

1205: To quote the late great Victor Meldrew 'I don't believe it'. Just missed the racing poem. It seems I was stood next to the wrong statue. The mind boggles as to what the other middle-aged overweight gentleman thought I was doing when asked that time he was starting.

1200: David Berry is on Katchit in the Champion and Tartak in the Arkle. One or two others have been whispering the latter to me. I can feel another bet coming on. At this rate I'll be skint by 3pm.

1155: Huge fan of Sean Garvey. He's on Go Native in the first and Won In The Dark in the Champion. He also sent this:

"I sent a letter to the spiritual leader of Tibet - asking him to send me something A week later I got a long necked goat in the post.....Seemingly I'd sent my letter to "Dial-A-Llama"

1145: Saul Day has backed Sentry Duty each-way in the Champion. I was attempting to do the very same thing last night but couldn't get online. Then started watching CSI Miami and completely forgot. I'm rowing in with you Saul.

1140: Little tip. Never google 'sausage length'. You get some very odd results. One was literally eyewatering. I now need to delete the cookie on this computer before returning to the office.

1130: A trade stand is advertising foot long hot dogs. Costs six quid. I'm intrigued. How long is the average hot dog? I need to do some calculations.

1115: No music in the Centaur, just an unmanned drum kit. The Jazzberries would have been up and running by now.

1100: Colin Inkster doesn't think Binocular will get up the hill and will oppose him with Celestial Halo. He asks what my banker of the week is - ahem..it's Binocular Colin! Take heart though. HBOS have more reliable bankers than D Ord.

1058: Going to have a glass of water. Now gone light headed. The ambulance man is having the last laugh. Email me your thoughts for the day - please. The only usuable one I've had is from Amazon offering me "The Songs Of Les Miserables" for six quid. I know I'm camp but...

1055: I can't take my purple jumper off. The white shirt below has a bolognese stain just above the left nipple. It looks like I've been lactating.

1050: I've never seen a racing poem before. Seen the odd racey one. I am actually sweating now. Other people say it's cold. The blood test may be brought forward.

1045: No Jazzberries this year. Saddle The Pony are appearing in the Centaur. Off to see them soon. At mid-day racing poet Henry Birtles is reading aloud his latest offering. Again it's a must for any diary.

1040: Just seen Jim Lewis who has shaved off his moustache. It's taken years off him. It makes me wonder what's beneath my beard. In 2008 it was a fungal infection.

1030: Very dry-mouthed today. Must have another blood test. Also skipped breakfast so absolutely starving. Will Hayler, with whom I'm sharing a desk, has left behind his chicken baguette. If I pick off the sweetcorn it would just about do.

1020: The Master Butchers are back. A new addition to the team too, an elderly gentlemen who hits a stick in time to the music. He's sat down though.

1015: The credit crunch has claimed a first victim. Charlie Chaplin on stilts isn't here. As much as I complained about his lack of authenticity, he talked to racegoers, I kind of miss him.

1000: Not a good start to the day. Forgot my suit. Now with a fully stitched crotch it remains on my parents' clothes horse. Half an hour late too after getting stuck in school traffic in Evesham. Also nearly knocked over a St Johns Ambulance man who turned right on his bike without a hand signal. I gave him one of my own. Hope I don't hit the deck with chest pains. Let him die will be the cry from the bespactacled cycler.