Is anyone else confused by the weather forecast for the Festival?

I don't know whether to pack flip-flops or water wings.

I thought I'd dialled the wrong premium rate number when told much will depend on whether we get Cirrocumulus or Cumulus humilis next week. As a man in a happy relationship I had no intention of indulging in either.

The woman at the Met Office pointed out it was cloud type.

Temperatures, it seems, can range from -3 overnight to plus 12 during the day. The sun will be either cracking the flags, or depending on which way the cumulus blows, there could be a drop of rain.

I've never forgiven John Kettley for insisting "sneet" didn't exist after the brutal combination of snow and sleet reduced me to a shivering wreck of a man two years ago.

But now I need his help.

The wardrobe was approved by Nina yesterday. Striped shirts are the order of the day with the odd garish tie to lift the ensemble. Striped slacks on Tuesday, plain black Wednesday and Thursday, and the suit rolled out for Gold Cup day.

There is the need for a tad of light stitching around the crotch area for the trousers on the latter as it seems I have picked a hole during a desperate wait for a wee at the Go Racing In Yorkshire Dinner.

In terms of coats a three-button Debenham designer number is the leading performer with a plain black rain-mac added in case of sneet.

Hats are down to two - the black flat cap (not a beret - just a long peak) and a ski hat.

Underwear is four M & S boxer shorts (large - sadly for waist purposes only) and four pairs of black socks.

The overnight frost means going commando is not an option.

So all is set fair - go on cumulus humilis - do your worst.