1. Don't look into the eyes of a gypsy woman outside the track.

Just don't.

I once stopped to make polite conversation with one of the aforementioned ladies on just my second visit to the Festival. Despite my relatives telling me it was a bad idea.

I like to try and make time for anyone. But I won't again. She smelt of 1000 cigarettes and the carpet of a working men's club as she breathed into my ear that 'I had better pay her well'.

I didn't.

I ran away after hurling my change at her. I didn't even keep the heather or piece of plastic that she had folded into my sweaty palm.

Never again.

2. Don't expect to win

This way, if you do win you'll be exceedingly happy.

More so than Mr Kipling in a cake-induced orgy between the Gingerbread Man and Mrs Hovis filmed by Hansel and Gretel in their edible dwelling.

If you make loads of money you can count it as you sit for three hours waiting to get out of the carp ark, or on the walk back to the town centre.

If you lose, then it's just another day in your life, another stage of the slow trudging march towards an ultimately miserable demise.

3. Buy a bar person a drink early in the afternoon

At most this should cost you a fiver.

Don't be leery. Don't letch.

Don't discriminate between sexes. This is not a form of speed dating, but an avenue to liquid nirvana.

Queuing for a drink is, in my book, almost as painful as picking a winner and not backing it or sitting on a hedgehog or getting a Chinese burn.

This way you have a chance, albeit a slim one, of catching the eye of your already-bribed barperson and getting a drink as quickly as possible without being stabbed.

4. Always take more money than you can imagine you'll ever need

This helps as you won't need to visit the cash machine when you run out of money after race five after having no winners.

You can always win on race six, but only if you have the money to bet with. If you are worried about having too much money on you, start to hide the cash on your body. Good places for this include socks, pants and glasses cases, although please note that hiding the cash in the company of others is not dignified, especially as you try to fish some 50ps from hidden crevices.

5. If you win on a race, share your joy by kissing those around you

Admittedly this last tip is a bit more risqué, especially if you are listening to the race in the toilet.

However, there is nothing more lovely than to be kissed by a stranger for no reason.

With no ulterior motive. With no hint of tongue. But a hard, long, willing embrace is the stuff that separates us from the animals.

Good luck.