mumblers, glastonbury and muzzles

How the postman wanted it.

By Dave Ord

As I type this there are 23 days left before the start of the Festival and 40 days left in lent.

There is also one day left before I head down to Somerset.

I am not going to try and get a good pitch for Glastonbury, there is a media trip to Paul Nicholls' yard.

I have been waiting 12 months for this chance for redemption.

There are usually three or four camera crews who tag along and the race is on to land the elusive one-on-one interview.

Last year I finished a distant last of four.

I was distracted by a noisy dog on the lane adjacent to the stable so while the local BBC and ITV crews swooped to get the champion trainer's thoughts on his team for the Festival, I was discussing the merits of muzzles with a disgruntled postman.

In the end I pinned Paul down for around two minutes of waffle - but the magic had gone. I am determined to shine this time.

Talking of Glastonbury, I am actually thinking of going this year - but only if there is a Ladbrokes betting tent there and you can have the Racing Post delivered.

I would need them for when the music starts. I am Radio Two verging on Three so all this rubbish the kids listen to nowadays is just noise to my untrained ears.

Give me a John Denver CD, a pot noodle and a Lucky 15 at Wolverhampton and I do Festivals with the best of them. I also prefer b and bs to tents.

The Festival preview evenings are now under way and I am sure a good night will be had by all.

From my own experience they all start very well only for one group to gradually get louder and louder as the evening progresses.

It usually ends with the MC for the evening (A Channel Four/BBC presenter at a good one, Racing UK/Attheraces presenter at a medium-sized one, a local radio DJ at one you really shouldn't be at) pleading for silence in the ranks.

There will be a smattering of applause, not from the rowdy table or those close to it who fear the consequences of joining in the disapproval at the mumblers.

You will be told that the people on stage have given up their precious time to be here and that the very least they deserve is for people to have the courtesy to listen to their thoughts. Cue more applause, again not from the rowdies or those within fist range.

You will then hear why one of the market leaders is a certainty from Panellist A, Panellist B will agree but Panellist C will have an "each-way alternative" for the same race. Panellist D has a weak bladder and bailed out halfway through the Kim Muir. Panellist E, always a jockey, is running late but will be here in time to reveal he doesn't have a ride in the County Hurdle and will be at Fakenham anyway for one of Richards Phillips' in the bumper.

If I ran one I would do a mix of music and previews. Perhaps get each guest to rap out how they see a race unfolding with a TV presenter providing a human beat box as a backing track. There are plenty who would as long as it was cash in hand.

It may not be as far fetched an idea as it sounds.

I was once at a pre-Cheltenham meeting where we were discussing promotional ideas for the Festival website.

The one idea to emerge from our marketing man of the time was getting a collection of vertically-challenged men to dress as jockeys and hand out fliers at London Tube Stations.

Sadly a sufficient number of jockey-a-likes could not be rounded up.

It is at times like these you are literally grateful for small mercies.