how do you stop australia? easy...

Michael Clarke - tie his pads together.

Ricky Ponting has been boasting that his team are in great shape for the World Cup final on Saturday. The fear is that if they are and Sri Lanka aren't, there could be yet another Australian victory procession in a major final.

C365 has come up with a handicap system for The Aussies which ought to even things up a bit.

MATTHEW HAYDEN

Not to be allowed any pre-match spinach to reduce the chances of him biffing multiple boundaries. As a devout Christian, he must renounce all bullying tactics and go into bat wearing a mini confessional box. Not permitted to catch anything at slip, otherwise he will be banished to cricket hell - a Peter Moores press conference.

ADAM GILCHRIST

One of the original members of the Dad's army, his eyesight is obviously on the wane after being bowled by a straight one against South Africa. Must bat and keep in Devon Malcolm's glasses. Gilly won't be able to pick anything, let alone Brad Hogg's wrong'un.

RICKY PONTING

Any on-field sledging by Australia's captain to cost his team five runs. In fact, if he has the cheek to open his mouth even to imbibe a drink, a fine will be imposed for dissent. If injured, will be made to bat with Gary Pratt as a runner.

MICHAEL CLARKE

Clarkey says that Australia are doing well because they are playing with freedom. Well, we can put a stop to that. He must bat with both pads tied together to prevent all that nifty Ronaldo-style footwork. Fancies himself as a bit of a looker too - a Goldenbat to David Beckham's Goldenballs - so will be required to wear a Lasith Malinga wig when fielding.

ANDREW SYMONDS

As he spends most of his waking hours parading around

like a circus freak act, Symonds will have to "perform" on Saturday in a clown's outfit, resplendent with floppy boots. This should ensure some classic slapstick moments when he attempts to prevent a boundary with "the slide".

MIKE HUSSEY

No handicap system needed for Mr Cricket, who has been playing anything but during this World Cup. Perhaps we could distract his attention from the centre by entering into a statto debate about how his average has dropped after all those single figure scores in the tournament. He could probably quote it to the decimal point too...

SHANE WATSON

It doesn't take much to stir up Mr Injury. Even the worst batsman in the entire planet, Charl Langeveldt, managed to hit him for a boundary. We suggest security stops him at the gate with the following words: "Shane Watson - you're not fit to lick Shane Warne's boots." The sad thing is, he probably isn't...

BRAD HOGG

Has taken far too many wickets for a slow bowler. Anyway, how come a Chinaman is playing for Australia? Directive to hotel staff: Please ensure a mousetrap is activated when Mr Hogg collects his early morning newspaper on Saturday from under the door. Preferably, we need his spinning finger mangled.

NATHAN BRACKEN

Not allowed to take the new ball. Instead, will be given an old seamless one from a shoebox that Dickie Bird has kept in his attic for 40 years. This should enable Jayasuriya and co to lamp it all the over the park for the first 15 overs.

SHAUN TAIT

Has been far too accurate and quick for the good of the tournament, so can only bowl with a pudding ball and in diving boots. Like the scene in Clockwork Orange, will have to watch harrowing images with his eyes wide open - such as the simple catch he dropped against South Africa. Not even Michael Vaughan would have spilled that.

GLENN McGRATH

Anything McGrath bowls outside the off stump will automatically be called a wide. Umpire Directive to Steve Bucknor: If the batsman nicks it, just pretend to not hear it like you did the other day with Herschelle Gibbs. We don't want Sri Lanka to be 27 for six after 10 overs. Please ensure Sri Lankan batsmen get a couple of lives each.

Tim Ellis