good week, bad week

The Barmy Army!

Good Week

Teams unworthy of the World Cup semi-finals

Good old South Africa.

With the Cricket World Cup taking on a never-ending story motif in recent weeks, there was a danger that as many as a dozen fixtures might've been rendered redundant.

Pakistan and India's early departures have left a massive gulf between fourth and fifth in this tournament, one that might have created a two-tier system in which the paths of aristocracy and peasantry never cross.

How noble then of the former world number ones to clamber down from the ivory tower, crossing the class divide to proffer the hand to England, West Indies and Bangladesh.

Entering the crude, manic fray, possibly to the tune of Rolf Harris' 'Two Little Boys', Graeme Smith have kept the series alive through a series of performances so inept that one wonders if Kevin Pietersen made the right choice after all.

Despite all that has gone before England can now lose to the West Indies and still qualify for the last four, indeed the hosts can still progress with an unlikely combination of results (most improbably of all they require England to win a game).

Any self-respecting cricket fan must have been hoping fervently for Bangladesh to emulate Kenya four years ago, but their defeat to Ireland rules out even a fairytale from among the horror shows.

Bad Week

Bowlers

If there is a more thankless task in world sport than bowling at this World Cup then feel free to send it on an e-card.

Already besieged by PowerPlays, tiny boundaries and aluminium bats, the poor buggers are now being penalised for having the temerity to bowl anywhere but in an ideal location for the batsman.

The wide given against Makhaya Ntini on Sunday was a case in point: bowling to Scott Styris, the leading run-scorer at this World Cup, he deviated line and length at the last minute to angle a shortish ball into the right-hander.

The New Zealand batsman, realising that there was no way to smash the delivery onto Ronde Island, moved out of the way and was promptly rewarded with a wide.

Ntini will know better than such insolence in future - gentle full tosses will apparently suit batsmen, umpires and sponsors alike.

Barmy Army

When is it a good week for the scarlet-faced buffoons, whose very existence is an exercise in tedium?

On they marched this week, oblivious to wider public opinion that they are, like nuclear weapons and Carling C2, one of those things we wish we could uninvent.

The only dignified manner in which to watch England scramble to victory over Bangladesh was with embarrassed self-deprecation, a look that is difficult to pull off while chanting 'Rule Brittania' in a Santa outfit.

With the Royal Navy also facing criticism from all quarters, a dreadful time all round for the UK's foreign forces.

Fat Lads' Union

At the World Cup Styris continues to strike lusty blows for the larger gentleman but his fellow man mountain Rob Key has failed to keep up his end of the bargain in the UK.

The Kent captain was caught sand-papering a ball in a pre-season warm-up match with Nottinghamshire in order that his bowlers might learn how to reverse-swing the ball.

Oh to have as many brain cells as chins.

Key will not face action since the friendly is unofficial and was happy to report that a sandpapered new ball "works very well".

He seems, however, to have overlooked an important health and safety point.

That round, shiny red face ought to be hidden or camouflaged, lest there be some confusion and sandpaper is used to remove the guileless grin.

Peter May