quote... unquote

Graveney - head of the family?

More haste, less Speed. That appears to be one of the lessons of a World Cup administered by people whose sense of reality is taken from somewhere very remote and far, far away.

C365 has gathered some "out there" quotes during the tournament from those who currently reside on the dark side of the moon where humanity is non-existent.

"I'm the head of a family and I need to carry on." David Graveney puts forward his case for remaining as England's Chairman of Selectors. With a father figure like that, no wonder the children are performing so badly.

"Today, we demolished it." Graeme Smith rather over-stating the case on the choking tag after his side crushed England before they were ball-wrecked by Australia.

"I was at matches early in the event where there was a lot of noise." Malcolm Speed must be talking about the building work that was still going on at some of the grounds rather than the crowd.

"I ask that all of you - players, officials, spectators - enjoy the next 49 days of Cricket World Cup, and make this a celebration of all that makes this game great - its excitement, its diversity, its sportsmanship and, yes, its spirit." Taken from ICC President Percy Sonn's speech at the opening ceremony. Excitement? Diversity? Spirit? All zapped, I'm afraid....

"I've never understood this resigning business." David "I'm all right Jack" Graveney fails to comprehend why he should step down. A bit of a change of heart from eight years ago when he offered to fall on his sword "for the good of the team." The words "self" and "interest" have obviously intervened since then.....

"All the boys....up for it....I mean.....Obviously.....You know......Vaughany.....You know......Yeah, definitely....I mean." The highlights of a typically in-depth interview with England's Saj Mahmood before the match against Ireland.

"Grunt....murmur.....grunt.....sniff." The highlights of a revealing interview with James Anderson.

"I am very embarrassed for the playing control team (!?) today. For me the real confusion has come from the fact we were talking about resuming the game tomorrow, which was technically wrong." World Cup final match referee Jeff Crowe tries to explain to Planet Earth why Australia were told to put the corks back in the champagne.

"I thought Aleem was having a bit of a joke with us when he said it looks like we'd have to come back tomorrow and play three overs. I said: 'Mate, we've played the 20 overs, we've actually finished the game." Ricky Ponting recites the terrestrial rules to interplanetary umpire Aleem Dar.

Tim Ellis